Thurop Van Orman

Not only does this motherfucker have a crazy ass name, not only is he the creator of Flapjack (and a writer for Adventure Time AAAAND Powerpuff Girls), but the dude has one of the dopest beards I’ve ever seen in forever. FOR. FUCKING. EVER. Seriously, look at this shit:

Dear Thurop Van Orman,

I would like to thplop vmy lady organs against your naughty boy parts. Or against your mouth. Your choice, just as long as I can get close to that glorious bearded face of yours. PLZ AND THX DOOD.

LoOoOoOoOve,

Sabrina

John Belushi

All of the fat bearded comedians that I love so much definitely owe their careers to John Belushi because he is THE original bearded comedy heart throb. I, too, owe him a lot – after a serious obsession with him in my high school years, he became the reason I’m now in Chicago.  It’s hard for me to even say anything obscene about the man just because he’s had such an impact on my life. Awww, the bitch DOES have a heart!! jk I sold it to Satan years ago.

Dear John Belushi,

Can you like, not be dead? Comedy is dying without you.

LoOoOoOoOve,

Sabrina

Joaquin Phoenix

Yeah yeah, Joaquin Phoenix is an award winning actor, blah blah, Walk the Line blah blah hot spanish dude blah blah FUCK ALL THAT. This is the Joaquin Phoenix I wanna fuck:

I don’t care if it was a hoax – the whole unkempt rapper thing was fucking nuts and entirely too entertaining. Though I haven’t seen the “mockumentary” I’m Still Here that the hoax was planted for with the help of Casey Affleck, I may just Netflix that shit, but keep it on mute of course, just so I can jerk off to Joaquin’s fuzzy face.

Dear Joaquin Phoenix,

Bring back the beard!!! You don’t have to pretend you’re insane to rock a luscious face of fur like that. You’ve got a few months before I’m in LA to grow that shit back, and then maaaybe I’ll grace your face with my vagina.

LoOoOoOoOoOve,

Sabrina

Philip Seymour Hoffman

1. I hadn’t realized until just now that this motherfucker only has one L in his name.

2. Regardless of the retarded nature of his name, Philip Seymour Hoffman needs to put it in me. This dude is good in EVERYTHING. Almost Famous, Capote, even fucking Todd Solondz’s Happiness. I think the creepier the role, the bigger my boner is because – although beardless in Happiness – I’d fuck the SHIIIIIT out of his character, Allen. He could jizz on my wall any day.

3. I can’t say his name without saying all three parts. I feel like I wanna go in the bathroom with the lights off and see if he’d appear if I said it three times. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Philip Seymour Hoffman.

SHAZAAM.

Dear Philip Seymour Hoffman,

Just thought you should know how much I’d enjoy sitting on your face while rubbing your fuzzy chubby cheeks simultaneously. Really, that’s all. No biggie.

LoOoOoOoOoOve,

Sabrina

Seth Rogen

I was really disappointed when I realized the tattoos he wore in 40 Year Old Virgin were fake, but even without the ink he’s still super fuckable. What’s even hotter about the dude is that he’s a writer, like most of the comedians I wanna bang. Motherfucker needs to stop losing weight, though, seeing as requirement #4 to get into my pants is to be a chubster.

Dear Seth Rogen,

EAT A FUCKING CHEESEBURGER. Then do me, plz.

Loooove, Sabrina

 

Judah Friedlander

Besides Alec Baldwin (another boner worthy bastard), Judah Friedlander is the reason I watch 30 Rock. Okay, not really, cause Tracy Morgan is the shit, and so is Tina Fey, and Jack McBrayer. . .  okay fuck it, that show’s perfect. BUTTT, Judah definitely gives my hormones something to look forward to (that means I’d fuck the shit out of him, if you couldn’t catch my drift…)  He’s also one of the few reasons I wish I still lived on the east coast – he does shows in NYC all the fucking time and I can only hope to catch one eventually.

Ryan Dunn

Although he’s usually just lurking in the background of Jackass, he’s equally as courageous/retarded (whatever you prefer) as the rest of the crew – and even more handsome with that luscious beard! Everyone thinks Bam Margera is the hot one of the group, but I’d choose Ryan Dunn over that pretentious fucker any day.

D. Beacon

There are no words to describe the beauty of this man’s facial hair. You just have to see it for yourself:

Jonah Hill

This dude is funny in EVERYTHING he’s ever done. I didn’t like Walk Hard until the end, when Jonah makes an appearance. He just oozes talent, and any time I see him my boner is instantly lubricated by the tears I shed from laughing just so fucking hard.

Dear Jonah Hill:

DO ME, PLZ.

LoOoOoOve, Sabrina

Zach Galifianakis

Once that whole Hangover craze hit, it was hard to ignore this motherfucker. Also hilarious is his Between Two Ferns series. Go here to see him make Michael Cera feel even more uncomfortable than his already naturally awkward state:  http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/j52